On Swinging with the Pendulum of Life

(Reflections on running)

Run towards, run from,
When will you stop running?
Pause and realize there’s no where to go, there’s no place to be, there’s nothing to acquire.

When you think you’ve arrived,
the joy of achieving fades away like the crisp morning air.

Instead do nothing, stay still and watch.
This too shall pass.

In THIS moment, the ocean floor of joy will open, expand and create a sacred space for you,
That is truly big enough to hold your spirit.
What if you swam here instead?

You can stay here forever.

A Walk in the Park

Wow, has it been 5 years since my last post?

I'm now a mom of 2 kids - an infant and a toddler - and my adventure as an athlete feels like a vague dream.  Pregnancy, delivery and postpartum have been brutal on my body, particularly the second one when I had a traumatic emergency c-section resulting in a preemie baby in NICU for 10 weeks.  I spent 11 days in hospital due to complications. I was forced to take rest for 2 months, and avoid lifting heavy objects and strenuous exercise. Now in month 5 of postpartum, I still am not allowed to swim or do ab-related workouts. The physical and emotional turmoil left me battle scarred.

During this time, my instincts were to take care of my baby, not myself.  Even though I was so fortunate to have strong support from friends and family who looked after me, I still engaged in anxiety-eating. Food was my comfort, my balm for the long days and nights I spent caring for my preemie, and helped me stay strong during the roller coaster experience that was the NICU. It was something I looked forward to at a time when things were unpleasant, and it was constant at a time when things were uncertain. I thought NICU was my marathon. But I was wrong.  NICU turned out to be a mile marker on a much longer marathon in regards to my son's health. I'm still running that marathon. 

The other day, I ran upstairs to attend to my infant, and I felt out of breath.  Two nights ago, I broke a sweat while having a mini-dance party with my toddler. As a 40-year-old mom of young kids, I realized I need to shape up if I want to enjoy their active childhood.  And so, I can no longer continue this sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle of mindless eating and sleep deprivation. 

As this realization is setting in, it seems as though the Universe is sending me signs.  Lately, I feel a new chapter opening up. I was reminded by this video how sport has transformed me, anchored me, and brought me to a higher understanding of myself.  And after 5 years of chartering the uncertain, tumultuous world of pregnancy and parenthood, I'm ready to get back to fitness and find my ground again.

So, today I dusted off my running shoes (literally) and took a walk in the park. It was an uneventful 40-min walk. It was hot. I panted and perspired. And it felt SO good to take the first step of my journey back to fitness.

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but Bikes and Clips excite me

I took Optimus for a spin after what seemed like a lifetime. After months of being busy with being busy, I finally decided that I had to start training. For whatever reason, when I pursue my other life passions, personal fitness is the sacrificial lamb.

When I began training again, the easiest activity to start was swimming, but the most exciting was biking! After strapping on my bike shoes, I literally dusted off the cobwebs and filled the near-flat tires with air. As I guided Optimus out from the darkness of my garage into the sunny outdoors, sweet (and sour) memories of bike workouts and races flooded my mind. Has it been 4 years since I first tri-ed? I set modest goals for biking – to just get reacquainted with my bike and reclaim the joy of biking.

Traffic was thin in my neighborhood and I used the opportunity to flout all kinds of road courtesy and safety rules. Don’t try this at home, folks. I smiled, recalling how Cha and I would sneak past Stop signs on Shoal Creek when there was no traffic just so that we wouldn’t have to unclip from our pedals. (I can see you shuddering, Coach A). When I wasn’t comfortable, I hopped off my bike and walked – and quickly remembered how hard it was to do so with clips, and was a big reason I refused to walk any portion of the bike leg of races. Arvind, who had gone for run, planned his route so that it intersected with mine (he refuses to admit that he was keeping tabs on me, but I know better). It was even more encouraging to see him running alongside. I called out, “I hope I will ride faster than you can run!” He replied supportively, “You’re blowing right past me, baby!” And off I went on my merry way, feeling the hot summer breeze against my face.

I had a modest start to tri-training last week (1K swim, 4 mile bike, 5 mile run) – but most importantly, I started.

My first Olympic Distance!

Finishing time: 4hours 8min :)

A Full Circle

It's hard to believe it's the night before my target race - the Austin Triathlon. I first signed up for the race in April, and prepared over the last 4-5 months for my first Olympic Distance. It's amazing how quickly time passes, and it's insightful to observe the ups and downs of training which in many ways parallels life itself.

As I look back on my training this year, I've learnt quite a few hard lessons.

1. Overcoming fear of open water

This was by far one of biggest learnings. I remember how debilitating the fear was 5 months ago, and just other day, as I swam effortlessly and fearlessly in Barton springs, I felt free. On hindsight, I had made a mountain out of a molehill in my mind, and it was only when I gained control over my thoughts, was I able to see how mistaken I was. When I gained clarity and calm, swimming became the joy it once was when I was a child.

2. Race nutrition

The Sweet & Twisted Tri turned out to be a huge wake-up call in this respect. I crashed and burned at the tri because I had not eaten wisely the day before the race. On race morning, I could not keep anything down. I started the race on an empty stomach, and by the time I got on the bike, my energy completely tanked. On the run, I barely had the energy to run and felt nauseous. It was a hard race in other ways too - the heat got to me & the bike seat had not well-adjusted. After the race, I felt really overcome and my confidence took a hit. I remember sitting down with Coach A and going over the race in great detail. Finally, I asked if he thought I could actually do the Olympic Distance. He put it plainly, "Of course you can! Sha, you "bonked" at S&T. You had no fuel, and you need learn how to eat right during the race. If you don't put anything into your system, how do you expect it to anything for you?" Feeling like a trainwreck, I retreated inwards and focused more on training. I dealt with my negative energy and learnt to move on. I trained hard the week following S&T mostly to shake off the negativity. After regaining some confidence during training sessions that followed, I felt better.

3. Reclaiming the joy of Tris

While this may sound silly, but I think somewhere along the way, I stopped having fun during tri training. Several times, Arv would watch me struggle through an ardous bike ride or long run, and say, "Are you having fun yet?" Truthfully, I did not. I felt the training was necessary but tedious. After the Sweet & Twisted Tri, particularly, I became conscious of this, and went back to my core reasons for tri-ing. I also read my previous blog posts from my first season, and realized that although training had been challenging, I genuinely had fun getting through the challenges. I examined the reasons why my thinking had changed, and began to reclaim my joy of doing triathlons. I became mindful of when I felt like the training was a drag, and shifted my mental energy to more positive thoughts. Arv as always was my pillar - he chided me when I slacked, encouraged me when my confidence plummeted, coached me when I felt unsure of how to train and most of all, reminded me when I had forgotten the joy of tri-ing.

I've walked a long way on this path, and in some ways, I feel like I've come a full circle. But perhaps, that's best destination of all - to return to your Self and see the same world of Tris with new eyes.

I've set no timegoals for my first-ever Olympic Distance. And I'm already celebrating - I know how far I've come from my first season in 2007 (when I had initially thought about doing an OD), and feel so much better prepared for the race - that in itself is a great feeling!

And as Coach A put it, when you do a new distance for the first time, you already know you're going to PR. :)

This Race is Yours, and Yours Alone.

(Inspirations from Bhaja Govindam)

Will you help me cross the finish line, my friend?
We’ve played together, trained together and ran many miles together.
Won’t you stay a while until I finish my race?

“I would if I could, dear friend... but this race is yours, and yours alone.”

Crossing the finish line, I felt a sense of freedom,
independence, and peace within..
that I had made it, and did it alone.

Will you journey on this Path with me, my teacher?
You’ve taught me, nurtured me and given me the strength to come this far.
Won’t you walk with me until I realize the transient nature of life?

“I can’t and I won't, dear student… my absence, not my presence will help you attain this knowledge. This Path is yours to walk, and yours alone.”

So I walked and walked,
reflecting on this wisdom,
Until I came across my own reflection in a lake,
And there I stood stunned, when I saw that I was truly alone.

Will you be with me forever, my love?
We’ve shared our joys and sorrows, trials and tribulations together.
Won’t you live this life with me for always?

“This moment is ours, and I can’t promise you more than this. This life is yours to live, and yours alone.”

Going through life, I began to see
the world seemed like an easier place to live in,
when I accepted being truly alone,
And I depended on myself, and myself alone.

Learning from the Fish (or Facing My Fears Part II)

Barton Springs Pool, Austin, TX

My usual trepidation began as I set out for my open workout yesterday evening at Barton Springs. I had a near accident on the highway getting there while asking Arv about how deep 30ft was. As I was driving, I pointed to the height of the freeway to get an idea of the depth, veered into another lane and nearly skidded. After the drama, Arv looked at me wryly and said "you need to stop thinking about swimming when you're driving!"

Just as I got ready to get into the springs, I met a friend of mine and we chatted. As I expressed my trepidation at looking at the depth of the lake, my friend said something that struck me, "when you look inside and see the fish hanging out, it's really pretty cool! You'll feel like you're flying..." I thought about for sometime. The idea of flying held for me a great sense of freedom. It put me in a contemplative mood.

My plan was to swim 800m with the pull buoy and REALLY look into the clear springs. I had never dared to look inside (and usually got away with keeping my eyes closed or head straight ahead). With security of a floating device, I figured even if I panicked, I would not struggle in the water and feed my fear further. This plan worked like a charm. It really gave me an opportunity to peer into the depth of the springs. At one point, I just stopped stroking and floated.. observing the fish below. I was reminded of what Steph told me me last year, how amazing it was to watch life underwater when you really paid attention and observed. Most of the fish moved away from me hurriedly. A few others lay very still. I was calmed by their stillness. Some looked at me inquiringly. And it dawned on me that if such little fish could be so comfortable in the water, I did not have anything to fear. (except arguably my mind!)

After that, I did another 400m unassisted. I felt myself gliding through the Springs, using very little effort. I realized that the reason I had gasped and usually felt tired after open water swims was because I expended a lot of energy in the process of panicking - breathing deeply, irregularly, heart rate racing, all of it drained my energy. If I could stay calm, and just swim, I would not be as exhausted.

Towards the end of it, I still swam a little cautiously, no doubt. But I had learned from the fish. To be in the water as they were.. practicing stillness. Within.

Ruminations on the Rookie

I met my goals for the Rookie! YAAY!

I had created the mental picture of my goals and as I did them, I "checked" them off in my head and gave myself encouraging words on the tri. This kept my spirits up during the tri.

Since I did not have any specific time goals, just a general "hope-to-do-better-than-my-first-tri", I did not wear my watch. I usually avoid that anyway, because looking at the clock is more stressful and takes some of the fun out of it for me. ( I can see you Garmin-and-what-not users balking as I write this..) I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I had shaved off about 8 minutes from my first tri. Considering I took a year-long break from training, I'm quite pleased with the result.

Here are some short notes:

1. SWIM

I've said for the 100th time now, but the lake was DISGUSTING. A foul stench emanated from the lake as we jumped in. I was a little distracted by the smell and struggled a little initially to focus on swim. Fortunately, I was calm about swimming in the deep. I found myself veering off course when I did freestyle, so I used breast-stroke to re-navigate. There's still a lot of improvement but the important thing is that I finally put my head in the water and did free-style (and that too, in a filthy lake)! :) I took about 10min 23s to finish it.

What worked well is that during my swim practice the day before, I practiced my routine - mental & physical for how I would swim - how I would breathe, how I would mentally chant, and the rhythm of the two. Once I figured this plan, it was easy to execute on the actual day.

2. BIKE

Gearing & hydrating on the bike were my two focal points, and I didn't care much about the speed (though I was happy to note later that my speed had improved). I took pains to find exactly the right gear for the moment, and stayed alert throughout the course to get a feel for gearing (as opposed to switching off mentally while coasting down the hills).

And yes, I hydrated on the bike - 3 times!!! I slowed down, reached for the bottle, pulled it quickly, took a few swigs, and put it back into the cage. It sounds very basic when I spell it out this way, but it does take quite a bit of balance to do this right. anyway, this made me particularly happy because it was an indication that both my balance and confidence had improved. As bike distances get longer, I know now that I can stay hydrated on the bike, and this will surely help me down the road when I train for my Olympic Distance tri.

3. RUN

Was not great. I didn't walk, thankfully. And frankly, the first mile for me is extremely tough but I warm up after 2 miles or so. The trouble with super sprint distances is that by the time you're actually warmed up, it's done. I'm not a sprinter and generally do better on long-distances rather than short ones. So this was tricky for me.

It did make me wake up to the fact that I need to pay more attention to my running and build my endurance over the summer. The heat and humidity are huge factors in one's performance, and I could have been definitely been better prepared. Admittedly I've gotten lazy about running. The challenges of swimming and biking tend to occupy most of my focus, so running has been on the back burner. Additionally, this past half-marathon season was so disaster-stricken that I did not really have a chance to train well - and it showed.

Overall, however, the Rookie was a great kick-off to my tri-season, and hopefully it sets the mood for the rest of the tris I'm planning for the season. (more about races soon.. dun dun dun dun...)

Be The Rookie!

The Rookie is on May 10, just 3 days away. Texas Ski Ranch is definitely one of my favourite courses. I did my first race there, and the shallow pond is a great way of getting used to open water.

This is going to be my warm-up tri - and also my first full tri since Oct 2007. (Last summer, I did a relay tri, so I don't really count that.) So, I'm excited and happy to be back in the swing of things.

My goals for the race are pretty modest:

Swim

1. Stay calm

2. Do freestyle

Bike

1. Practice gear-shifting, and "finding the right gear for the moment". (will write about this soon, it was an insight I got from a Bike 101 that Coach A held for us a few weeks ago)

2. Hydrate on the bike

Run

1. Sl-og if I must, don't walk.

One of the main things I've changed in my training this year is how I hydrate. I'm a big fan of Nuun, so I'm definitely filling my bottles with Nuun goodness for the race. :) I'll probably take a few cliff blocks before the swim. And since this should be a pretty short race, I won't need to worry about nutrition on the course.

Most importantly, I want to reclaim the joy of tri-ing. Sometimes, setbacks in one's training occupy the mind so much, that we become one-tracked in resolving those issues, and we forget the bigger picture of why we're doing the sport in the first place.

I met a fascinating lady yesterday, an experienced & inspiring triathlete, Deb, who was introduced to me by my boss (who I consider my tri-mentor). We talked a lot about open-water swimming, and a few things she said really clicked with me. She said some times, maybe we just get caught up with being focused on the focusing on the problem - in my case, fear of open water - and not enough time on the solution. If I did the reverse, then maybe I would feel more motivated and empowered. My friends have observed my tendency to overthink things. That's hard to change in the short-run. So this nugget was a helpful suggestion to channel some of that over-thinking in a more empowering way.

She also shared that a good contemplation before the race, was to remember the reasons why I'm tri-ing. And as I reflect on it, I started tri-ing as a spiritual practice.. as a platform on which I would work to overcome mental limitations I had placed on myself ("I can't swim in the open water", "I can't", "I'm not an athlete" etc), in order to discover what I could really do. The fact that I've had setbacks awakens me to the fact that I still have much to learn, and a reminder that the fun is not over yet!

My mantra for this race will be "Let go, and be the Rookie!" :)

Fear Factor

From my previous posts, it's pretty evident that I have a fear of open water swims, inspite of the fact that I've done about 4 races now, and numerous practice sessions at Barton Springs pool. So, it was not without some trepidation that I signed up for Splash n Dash race at Quarry Lake a few days ago.

I had hoped this race would be different; that after swimming in three different lakes Quarry Lake would not be so intimidating. I called the gym to find out the depth of the lake (mistake #1), and my heart sank - 100ft at its deepest point. In the midst of nursing a minor heart seizure, I pinged Coach A and asked for words of wisdom. His pat reply was - what does it matter how deep the lake is? We'll be swimming near the surface anyway. Good point, Coach A.. if I had been thinking rationally.. I wasn't though..

Once I reached the lake about 30min before the race, I realized that in my preoccupation with the splash part of the race, I had forgotten about the dash - and had not brought my running shoes! (needless to point out ..mistake #2) Since I was more concerned about the swim, and not the race in general, I figured at the worst I would skip the run and just use the swim practice. My training buddy, Cha, came to the rescue and miraculously produced a spare pair of running shoes that were my size.

And then, as I stepped into the lake, a familiar feeling of terror slowly washed over me. The water was 60 degrees or less, and my muscles started tightening. The 750m lake course looked a lot farther than I had imagined. More than the distance, it was the depth that concerned me (even though, logically there was no reason to feel that way). As the pre-race announcements began, Coach A joined us. He started giving Cha and I tips about the course, but I could barely focus. The lake had become larger than life..

Change of scene to the Matrix.. Morpheus tells Neo to fly across two buildings as part of his training.

Morpheus: You've got to let it all go, Neo.. fear, doubt, disbelief.. Free your mind!

Neo: (from top of the building, looks at the ground below) ohhkkk... (deep breathing) ok, free my mind, no problem! no problem! I can do this..

As the wave start began, I hung back to the end of pack, as did Cha & Kris (who similarly panicked). By now, the panic had crippled my breathing and I could not put my head underwater. I breaststroked with my head above water for a good 200m. I could see Kris freaking out too, and by now, the safety canoes were escorting us. One of the lifeguards asked her if she wanted to turn back. I yelled out to Kris, "come on, we can do this! let's do it together!" She reluctantly agreed. I silently noted the irony of me encouraging someone else when I could not persuade my own mind to stay calm.

And thus saying, Neo falls flat on his face... Cypher: (shakes his head) Everybody falls the first time.

I completed the course but did not meet both my goals of staying calm and using freestyle. The feeling of imminent danger overcame me so powerfully that I was barely able to function, my swimming skills regressed that of a beginner who was swimming at the deep end for the very first time. I felt disheartened that inspite of improvement in my swim technique, my knowledge left me when I needed it the most. Inspite of encouragement from all my buddies, I mulled over the issue for a while. Yes, I completed the course, which I never doubted I could. But my goals were different. It was more the issue of why I lost my nerve that upset me.

Then I had an interesting insight last Thursday, while listening to Brahmachari Girishji, in the midst of a weekly spiritual class for young adults. He said that fear is a result of a deep attachment to our physical body, and that the root of all fear is the fear of death. We become engulfted in fear when we give importance to the mere thought of dying. The way to move away from fear is to focus all of your thoughts and attention on the task at hand, and not let your mind wander at a crucial time. He shared his experience of how he used to surf 30-feet waves in California (prior to him becoming a monk). He said, if you lose your focus for even just a second, you could be destroyed by these strong waves. So scaling the wave is not just a test of your physical, but your spiritual strength as well.

This then brought to me to question of how my mind got caught up in it - why wasn't I able to muster up the focus and attention when I needed it? Girishji replied, it was a question of practice & training. I reflected on the fact that while I had dedicated time to physical training, I had not devoted any time at all to mental preparation - my pillars for focus were meditation and yoga, and I hardly commit time for either. My busy lifestyle was not really nurturing my mind to become more focused, it was just occupying the mind with more and more distracting thoughts.

If I continue on this path, then no matter how great my skills, I will not be able use these skills if I don't master my mind. So, looks like I'm going to be making some changes to my schedule this week.. to create some time and space for much-needed mental/spiritual training. And I'm not just talking about giving sporadic motivational msgs to the mind (like how Neo had attempted). I'm referring to something deeper, and more transformative. A consistent, calming, daily practice strengthens the mind and allows it to stay in equilibrium when the waves of adversity crash upon it.

Next time, I'll be better prepared to ride the waves.

Overliving and other insights

It's been over 7 weeks now since I've started training - and it feels great! Some things that have worked well for me in keeping to my schedule:

1. Training with a buddy. This helps a lot, particularly on days that you don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning.. The fact that you've committed to working out with someone will motivate you to attend the class - if not for anything else, to keep your promise.

2. Morning workouts - ups and downs here.. on the upside, it's great to have your workout out of the way first thing in the morning. I've always admired my friends who have the discipline to workout regularly at 6am. I never thought I was an early riser. But with some practice, it's not as hard as it used to be for me to get up early in the morning. On the downside, you need to sleep much earlier at night to get enough rest or it will not be a sustainable schedule.

3. Going to the gym - as simple as this sounds, it's really quite motivating to have gym membership not only because of the variety of group classes and good facilities, but it also gives you an indoor option to train on days that the weather is bad. Bad weather is one less excuse to skip a workout, because you can always make it up with going to the gym!

4. Having a structured but flexible schedule helps. This year, I started my season with a weekly schedule because I was slowly easing into workout schedule after having health issues over the last year. I did not want to draw up a monthly schedule simply because I did not know if I could keep up with the pace of such planned workouts. Planning on a weekly basis gave me the flexibility to workout as I was able to do them. This helped increase rather than diminish my confidence, and got me back on my feet.

Though I'm still somewhat ambivalent about this.. I miss having set days to do particular workouts (Mon-swim, Tue - bike, Wed-swim, Thu-run etc) when I was in the training group, instead of planning a weekly schedule. In any event, it has worked out well so far because healing is my priority. That said, now that I'm in much better shape, I'm glad to have signed up for a swim clinic (twice a week, mon & wed) because this will bring the kind of regularity that I'm looking for.


On overliving...

I had attended a Tri-clinic by Rogue Training Systems, and it was a good opportunity for me to have a one-on-one discussion with an experienced tri-coach. She mentioned the idea of "overliving" - trying to do everything successfully - work, family life, intense training schedule, friends, travel, volunteer work etc. And that as we venture into our training, we should keep in mind our priorities and not lose sight of them. This simple yet poignant point reminded me of how we burn out because we often chase the illusion that we can have our cake and eat it too. And if we can't have it all, it means that we're not capable enough. This fear and discontent drives "overliving".

Ultimately, it's not about our abilities, but about our choices that will lead to a sense of contentment. Even if we did juggled everything, it can leave us with a sense of emptiness and burnout if we don't find fulfilment within ourselves. And in order to find fulfilment, we need to reflect and prioritize our commitments - to ourselves and our loved ones.

And to me, that means learning to let go of expectations and being kind to yourself and your body - that works so hard to help you achieve goals set by your mind.. In Bikram yoga, one of the most important postures is "shavasana" (corpse pose) - where you lay still and relax deeply. Through practice, this relaxation allows cells to repair themselves and the posture is intended to rejuvenate one's body, mind and spirit. Rejuvenation is JUST as important for the body as is working out.

Drilled!

Good news! I'm happy that I kept to a schedule (without actually creating one) for two weeks in a row! The workout times that Cha originally drew up for herself, worked for me too and I've been able to workout regularly this week. It's been fun training with Cha, and having a buddy to train with keeps me in check, especially on days when I'm tempted to slack off (or when it's freezing cold and rainy AND too darn early to get up in the morning!!)

The swim workout today was awesome. Bright (I should say dark, really, since we've switched our clocks over to Daylight Savings) and early, I showed up at 5.40am to get ready for our planned swim workout with (Coach) Amit. A seasoned triathlete who's currently training for a half-iron distance, Coach had offered to help us correct our free-style technique by closely observing our free-style. I was so grateful for his help, because I definitely needed the expert eye to correct my technique. Although I could swim decently and had the endurance for long-distance swimming, my technique was not efficient and it took that much more effort and time to get through the distance.

Coach gave us excellent and insightful feedback. One key point that Coach brought to my attention was keeping my body in balance to help me glide through the water. He demonstrated some drills for us to do to help keep our bodies in balance. (Will refrain from explaining the method in excruciating detail, but if you're interested, drop me a note) The mantra for the drill was "where's my hand, where's my head" - both had to be pointing downward.

After doing several repeats of the drills, Coach asked us to do a few laps to incorporate balance into our technique. Instead of swimming normally, I unconsciously started doing the drill! When I became aware of this, I tried to use both hands as I normally do, but slipped back into the drill. Coach was amused that both Cha & I had been so "drilled" that we forgot to swim!

After that though, when I eased up and started my free-style, I suddenly felt faster! Maybe it was psychological, but I felt myself glide more effortlessly through the water. I swear, I had propelled myself so much more that I nearly crashed into the wall of the lane at the end of my lap. I definitely felt a difference. So, the plan for the next swim workout on Monday is to swim more mindfully, keeping my balance.

As I reflected on "where's my hand, where's my head", it occurred to me what a profound application it had with regards to life. (Amit, maybe we should change your nick from Coach to Guru??) Are your hand and head aligned in every moment? How many times do we let our minds wander when we're doing an activity (or at work), instead of being mindful and focused on the activity (ie where the hands are). It's a great mantra to use in daily life to keep yourself in check, and to ensure that you're fully present in whatever you're doing.

Testing, testing...1, 2, 3...

Last week, I marked a month and a half since I had exercised. I was eager to get back to working out and training, but was under strict orders (doctor & family) to back off. It was awful, knowing that I could not exercise even if I wanted to. Since I have friends who lead an active lifestyle, I listened intently to their plans and activities. I felt like a kid who was told to stay home, and had to watch her friends play outside. While I was sad that I couldn't join them, it also motivated me to get better, sooner.

I sought advice from Steph about what she did to get back on her feet after an illness, and one of the things that she said really resonated with me. "I was sick of being sick". That's exactly how I felt after a month of bedrest and monotonous routine (wake up - work - home - eat - sleep. I reached a point where I was ready to get going with life again. Although, logically speaking, I think the rest was definitely important in helping with the healing process.

Finally, two weeks ago, the doc gave me the green light to exercise "in moderation", and warned me against strenuous exercise. Under the eagle-eye of my hubby, last week, I started doing short workouts - 25min stationary bike, 300m swim twice a week and 2mile run/walk just to see how my body responded.

One of my tri-buddies, Cha, had sketched out her OD plan and so I tagged along for a couple of workouts. Another buddy of mine, Dads, who wants to do her first tri ever this season signed up at my gym and we did a workout together. It definitely helps to have your buddies' support. That was a test-case week. I did not draw up a schedule for myself because I did not want to create something that I would find difficult to keep up (and result in further disappointment). The idea was to test the waters and see what I could handle. Fortunately, things went well. I backed off whenever I felt any strain, and went easy on myself. Swimming free-style was probably the hardest because the arm rotation caused discomfort.

What I also realized was that I was getting tired easily not only because of lack of exercise but also poor nutrition - junk food, desserts et al. Exercise and nutrition are intertwined, and so when you stop exercising, you may become less careful about about what you eat, because you know that you can sleep in late the night after a heavy meal (instead of having to workout).

The challenge for me is to find a balance between staying motivated and exercising in moderation. When I cannot do much, I find it hard to stay motivated, and when I am motivated, I tend to push myself. So, the theme for the upcoming season is probably going to be finding my inner balance (arguably a life-long effort) so that in the long-term my body is ready to handle some of the goals that I set to develop my full potential.

A Bad Dream

That just about describes my training this past fall/winter season.

And literally too.

Yesterday, I had the strangest dream. I'm not one well-versed in the field of dream interpretation, but some things about the dream struck a chord with me, so I'll share my thoughts on how it reminded me of my training.

So, I'm driving on this road, which is a familiar road (not sure where exactly but I driven on it before so it's familiar). There are gates lining this road, and beyond the gates on one side, it's a valley. All of a sudden, it's wintery and the road begins to wind - in strange twists and turns that I've never had to manouever. So there I am trying to swerve around the corners, thinking, how odd, I've never had to deal with this before! The scene ends when I reach the end of the road, and the same scene repeats - me again on this windy road.. but this time, the same road has iced over, and there are new things I have to do to manage. The same scene repeats over and again, each time with new corners and turns. Finally, when I'm driving on this road, there are no gates lining the road at all, and I'm just driving full speed and losing control - and finally, I lose all control of the car and I fall into the valley. I feel myself falling to the bottom, thinking, so this is the end..

I know. Disturbing isn't it?

But oddly enough, it struck me that this is the perfect analogy for my training because throughout this season, I've had to face new twists and turns - some preventable and others completely beyond my control. Mostly, the situation has been out of my hands i.e. new scenery along the same road each time that I just have to deal with. So although I've trained before for a half-marathon, this time the training was difficult because of recurring back pain. Training happened in spurts - I trained whenever my back was ok. And when my back got better, I had strange and random attacks of hives that prevented me from running at two of my planned races, including my target race, 3M. No clue what set off my allergies. It remains (and may always remain) a mystery. I'm now in week 3 of hives, so it definitely extinguishes any faint hope I had of doing the Austin Half-marathon. Apparently, the hives could be aggravated by exercise so I can't even do that for now. A friend put it aptly, "Sounds like someone up there doesn't want you to run."

When I sat in hospital days before the 3M race, I wondered how my body had freaked out in the way that it had, and just barely a week or so after doing an iron-distance swim, AND in spite of my best efforts to stay healthy. Life changes without warning... and I've done my best to deal with the twists and turns. I'm feeling pretty worn out now. I'm ready to take a break and heal.

For all that I've been harassed by strange and unknown forces, the experienced has humbled me greatly. To know that the ways of the Universe are greater than a single individual's effort. And that while it is necessary to apply every bit of effort and spirit to one's training, we need to be very grateful for everything else that's not in our control that goes right - a beautiful, cool morning on race day, a strong stomach, a sturdy immune system that keeps out the thousands of viruses running amok in the atmosphere, a running buddy who'll motivate you on those mornings you hate getting out of bed, friends who show up on race day to cheer you on, getting help from strangers along the race course when you need it etc.

So I end this training season with a note of gratitude - to my pals who've encouraged me, to my buddies who've run with me, to my hubby & family who've endured me through my insanity, and most of all, to the Universe that has taught me a lot about myself through its mysterious ways.

Hasta la vista.

First Iron Distance Swim

The Thought

On January 8, 2009, the day before I left Singapore, I did my first iron distance swim! 80 lengths of an olympic-sized pool, 2.4 miles or 4Km. The funny part is, I had never actually planned to swim this distance. In fact, it hadn't even occurred to me that I could actually do it until my buddy, Karthik, who is keen on doing a triathlon, planted the seed in my head. When he suggested we take on an iron distance that weekend before he flew back, I sat up with interest. What a crazy idea - I loved it!

My brother discouraged me, "you can't just go out there and do 80 laps without building up to it! How much have you been swimming? We only did 800m the other day. Have you lost it?" I reluctantly agreed, and that weekend, I did half the distance. It was awesome! I didn't even feel tired. In fact, the only reason I decided not to continue on with another 40 laps was because I had a lunch commitment. Karthik, who had set his goal for 2.4miles, continued towards his goal that day, and later told me he felt great after the swim. That gave me even more confidence.

Having done the half distance, I was determined to go the full distance after a few days. I had not run that week to give some rest to my back (after repeated warnings from hubby, bro & parents), and swimming was definitely good for my back. I figured since I couldn't do my long-run (10-14miles), I might as well swim.

The Swim

It was hard getting out of bed early in the morning, and trying to sneak out before my parents had an opportunity to dissuade me. My mom, quick as ever on the draw, cornered me before I left and demanded to know where I was heading out at 6.30am instead of taking rest at home. "Oh, just a quick swim.. when I go back to Austin, it will be too cold to swim, so I figured I might as well make use of the warm weather here. Besides it's great for my back, Ma! See ya!" and ran out before she had more time to reason with me. She called me to find out when I would return, and when I told her, her voice dropped into a disbelieving, hoarse whisper, "3 hours?!"

I was not totally off the mark in my estimate. It took me roughly 2 hours and 50 min to complete the swim. I was obviously not gunning for a good time, I just wanted to see if I could actually survive it. I discovered it was really more of a mind game than physical exertion. The idea of 80 lengths is not only daunting in terms of distance, but also boredom. I daresay comparable to running laps around the track, but not really. Swimming is a lot more fun for me, and more therapeutic.

So the way I worked it in my head was to think of it as 40 laps (instead of 80 lengths). This made the time pass by much quicker. Since I was used to doing 15-20 laps, 40 laps didn't seem so bad.

The first 20 laps passed very quickly. I would say about 10 laps were really just a warm up. I focused on my stroke and kick, and form in general. My strokes were a lot stronger than my kicking, so I guess I'll need to strengthen my kicking over the tri-season. In the 10 laps that followed, I didn't even think really. Perhaps some idle thoughts about cooking Singaporean food or what food supplies I'd take back to Austin? Dunno.

The next 10 laps were the hardest. My arms and shoulders began to complain. While thoughts of quitting flitted in and out of my mind, I firmed up my resolution to continue. I had a golden opportunity that I wasn't about to quit on - swimming in a gorgeous Olympic-sized pool with no agenda for the rest of the day. I just kept focusing my thoughts on how I would feel after the swim - strong and rejuvenated. At this point, I started noticing that my fingers were shrivelling. That alarmed me a little, but oh well, what else did I expect? It helped that there was a senior ladies water aerobics class at the other end of the pool. So I tried to amuse myself by stealing glances at the old ladies' enthusiastic jiving.

The final 10 laps were just amazing. The aches and pains were drowned by joy of coming that far into the iron distance. I relived my childhood swimming days and felt genuinely thrilled by how far I had come. Finishing the 40th lap was almost a non-event, I was just swimming like a fish by then. I didnt' ache after the swim, surprisingly. My shoulders felt a little tight, and I had some chaffing under my arm, but that's about it.

The Aftermath

"Finally, there comes our Madam, all charred and roasted from swimming in the sun!" remarked my mother as I walked into the house. My dad grumbled, "You're leaving tommorrow, and you're spending all day in the pool." My grandmother said, "You must be starving! Why don't you get something to eat?" I smiled to myself. Family keeps you humble. No accolades for doing a 2.4 mile-swim - just simple concern. Only my brother's eyes danced when I told him I did my first iron-distance swim, "Holy crap! Awesome, sis!"

And that's exactly how I felt. :)

Holiday Reflections

After putting Austin 2008 behind me, and setting off my holiday in Singapore, I decided to take a break from everything and revisit why I got involved in running & triathlons in the first place. It struck me when I was telling my brother about my angst over failed running goals, he said to me, “You’re doing this for charity, so shouldn’t you have more fun with it?”

Then and there it struck me, that somewhere along the way, my focus had moved away from fun to achievement. I started wanting to have XYZ races under my belt, instead of going out and just running. It's an addictive illusion. So, in Singapore, I had time to reflect on why I really engage in athletic endeavors. Running for Asha is definitely still a primary motivation. I think I’ve also become more enthused about testing my limits. Unfortunately, that did not work out well with the health issues that I faced this year, so I felt held back. But taking care of the body is equally important, and sometimes backing off is more helpful than pushing an ailing body. My boss, a triathlete whom I admire, also had words of wisdom for me. When I expressed disappointment that my plans for running were quickly falling apart, she said, “Remember your real goal – the half-iron distance. These road races were just part of the preparation, so if you cannot do all of them, don’t worry about it. Just focus on the big prize.”

And finally, I run and train because it makes me feel good. It's that simple. The breeze on my face, the greenery, (and yes, the humidity too), the rhythmic pounding of my feet on the asphalt can be quite meditative. And perhaps just the feeling of, “yes, I can do this.”

It was good to take stock. And surprisingly, over the last two weeks since I went on holiday, I’ve been motivated more than ever to run. I’ve managed to keep to my running schedule for the better part of the time, enthusiastically doing my 4-5mile runs thrice a week. (Of course, holiday eating has been a huge guilt factor in getting me out of bed and running regularly). More importantly, it’s been so much fun running with my childhood buddies (who are fortunately also a bunch of fitness freaks). What is now known as a “prata run”, my buddies and I religiously run 4 miles twice a week and go for breakfast pratas (a type of bread) afterwards. It’s also been awesome catching up with their lives over the long run. The bonding and relaxing runs have been just what I needed. Yesterday, we did a mini duathlon - went swimming in Ang Mo Kio pool for 800m, followed by a 2mile run around Bishan Park. We chatted and laughed the whole way.


So, this being December 31, I propose a toast to 2008 - While I did not realize many of my aspirations & goals for training in 2008, I have learnt a lot from my experiences. I can apply some of the practical wisdom I've gained to make 2009 a fantastic, fun-filled training year. Cheers to all of us runners and triathletes!

New Lens

I don't think my mom thought she would live to see the day when I could be enticed out of bed early in the morning by the idea of going for a walk. I jumped out of bed eagerly and told her I would go running with her. This was the post-virus run that I was both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. My coach warned me that one of the hardest runs would be the one after recovering from the virus. But after a 26-hour plane journey from Austin to Singapore, I was SO ready to exercise and stretch.

Fifteen minutes later, I was dressed in my gear and ready to the hit the road. My mom looked at my Nathan water bottle in grip with great curiousity and asked, "why do you need a water bottle for a 20min walk?" I laughed and said, "well, Ma, I might run for a bit longer than that!" Before she could reason with me further, I ushered her out of the door.

I set off for an easy run, and decided to see how far I could go. I took a route that I used to take by bus or car when I was a kid to Upper Seletar Reservoir. http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=2444474 That's one of the nicest things about returning home. It gives you a great insight into how far you've come - an opportunity for internal stock-taking. I would have never thought of running to the reservoir as a child or teenager, and yet here I was. It was like seeing Singapore in a whole new lens - through the eyes of a runner - scoping out running routes, appreciating the lush greenery, new roads and neatly paved sidewalks.

It took me about an hour to run, stroll, take a breather on the gorgeous reservoir banks, and reminisce about how I used to slide down the hilly slopes on cardboard boxes as kids. It was humid but windy, and when I returned, I was drenched in sweat. It felt awesome, though! I didn't feel the slightest bit sick or tired. I was refreshed.

And afterwards, I had my dream post-long run breakfast - Mom's crispy dosas (5 of them!) and steaming hot chai. Oh, I love being home.

Next plan - to convince my childhood buddies (now strapping, well-built, army officers) to accompany me on a long run through downtown Orchard Road! :)

And the Universe Said, Thou Shalt Not.

Thus the melodrama begins.. :)

The week had started off on an ominous note. 20 people in my office had come down with a stomach virus after attending an office party (which I did not go to). I counted myself lucky to have escaped. Or so I thought. The last thing I needed was a stomach virus, given that it was race week (Dallas White Rock Half-Marathon) and I had tonne of work to finish before leaving for my trip on Tuesday.

I did my last training run on Wednesday, felt great inspite of the cold.

Then on Thursday, I came down with symptoms of the stomach virus, and left work abruptly. I had vomitting, fever etc. through the day. Arv took one look at my state and gently said, "I know you really want to do this, but I don't think you should race." I was crushed, but stubbornly harbored hopes to run on Sunday. I felt bad because I had trained, made all these reservations & plans, and I was supposed to run with my buddy.

I got back on my feet on Friday, and tried to mentally prepare myself. By afternoon, I noticed the appearance of hives. Undeterred, I emailed my coach, Lisa, for advice. She responded with a firm "I strongly recommend you don't race on Sunday". My brother, a doctor, went a step further and said, "you're not running a half-marathon on Sunday. Period."

The conversation that ensued was funny on hindsight, and I cannot resist reproducing it here:
Bro: Look at it this way, if the Universe wanted you to run, things would have lined up differently.
Me: We make our own destiny.
Bro: I'll take you up on that philosophical point another time. But you're not running on Sunday.
Me: I've trained for this, man. All year, my training has been a constant uphill. It's always one thing after another getting in the way.
Bro: There'll be many other races.
Me: What's the worst that could happen?
Bro: You could collapse.. from dehydration & weakness. My friend, a doctor & seasoned marathoner ran after a viral infection and collapsed. He had to be rushed to the emergency room. Your body is still fighting the viral load, you can't overburden your body. Listen to me, don't run!
Me: *silent resignation*
Bro: If it makes you feel better, I'll run with you around the lake next week in Singapore.

And thus I extracted a promise from him to run a 10K with me in Singapore on January 4, 2009. :)

When the three people whose advice you count on the most (hubby, bro & coach) unanimously agree on one course of action, you can't help but listen. Because they care for you. And it turns out they were right. My situation worsened on Saturday and I was put on strong medication. Any hopes of even volunteering at the race with Asha Dallas were dashed.

It's still a mystery as to why this happened.

I came to the conclusion that, it's not just training that prepares you for a race. You also need a stroke of luck to make it to the start line. If you find that inspite of your best efforts, things still fall through, then just accept it with a smile and plan for a better race.

Tomorrow, I'll be at home cheering on my buddies, Ganesh & Vishwas, for their race. I'll be virtually watching them with the runner tracking system by the White Rock organizers.

Oh, and I signed up for the 3M Half Marathon yesterday. By the law of karma, I'm set for a good year in 2009.

Rocky Road to the Finish Line

San Antonio was my first race for the season, since the 3M Half-Marathon in 2007. Considering, it was my first double-digit miler since January this year when I ran 10 miles, I suppose it was alright.. Not quite the rah-rah experience I was hoping it would be.

The high point of the SA Rock N Roll experience for me was Arvind doing his Half Marathon in 1 hr 58min! Simply fabulous! I'm so proud of him. After having a rough time this year with training and health, he's back in form and clocked a minute more than his first ever half-marathon race. All this inspite of barely training for over 2 months. This was quite a confidence booster for him and I know he's going to set a PR in his next race!

As for me, it wasn't a great race. More than anything, my lack of training was apparent. Sure I can go out and do a half-marathon. But it's no longer about just finishing the race for me. It's about having a good experience with it. And Sunday's race was hard in the last few miles.

I was going to list all the things went wrong.. Until yesterday, when I went for yoga. With a bad back, I could not do most of the asanas, and feeling frustrated, I asked the teacher for alternative poses. She said, if you can't do it, then just honor yourself and sit in child's pose. It hit me then. Honor yourself. No point thinking negative thoughts. Just honor whatever you did and build on it.

So that's the approach I will take with my race report. Am going to focus on the positive aspects of the race, what I did RIGHT instead of mulling over what I did WRONG (albeit there were plenty of things I would change for my next race)


Pre-Race & All That Jazz

Arv & I had fun travelling with Steph, Bradford & Kristen to San Antonio where about 12 of us piled on at Vishi's. It was awesome chillin' with friends, meeting new folks and tucking into a sumptious carb-loaded meal - pasta with alfredo sauce (Arv's cooking), pasta with marinara (cha), mashed potatoes (steph), herb bread (vani), coconut rice (cha), hummus & pita chips (kristen) and some tangilious lime juice (charmi & niraj). Oh, and fudgecheez cake to celebrate Google's birthday. I discovered mashed potatoes with mango pickle is MOST delectable.

At night, I packed my race day gear:

- Shoes & socks
- track suit
- white long-sleeved shirt
- Team Asha t-shirt (IMPORTANT!)
- Gloves
- Headband
- Salt tablets (note to self: pack more of this in future, two aren't enuff)
- Gu shot
- Cliff shot blocks
- Water bottle & hand grip
- Race bib (pinned onto tee)
- Timing Chip (attached to shoe)
I packed a drop-off bag containing a towel and an extra tee just in case. Would definitely do this drill for future races.

Next time, I will ensure that I sleep comfortably.

Race Day Morning

Had my usual few sips of coffee & banana. I wish I could eat more in the morning, but it doesn't work for me. Ideally, oatmeal and/or bagels is what is recommended.

Good idea to pack a power bar so that if lines are long (which they usually are in large races), you can have a snack before your race.


Miles 1-3: Doing the Trot

I need at least 3 miles to warm up. So the first part of the race was spent waving at bands, jogging along, getting my muscles going after being tensely cold. We even took a 10min (unavoidable) porta pottie break. There was a woman at the front fussing over the lack of toilet paper and jumping from one loo to the next. Note to self: if TP is that important to you, then BYOTP.

After the 5K mark, Cha & I spotted some folks offering donuts & pastries! We were both hungry from the endless wait at the start, so we split a quarter of a donut. Probably not the best choice for a snack, but the sugar felt good.

Miles 4-9: Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

It was awesome running with Cha. She was really good about hydration (which I'm not good about) so whenever she took a sip of water, I was reminded to do the same. This kept me well-hydrated. It was definitely a good decision to take a water bottle along and get a bottle grip from Ganesh. We barely stopped at any of the water stops because we sipped our water along the way. Since I'm a sipper, it really worked well to carry my own water and not have to wait for a water stop to chug it.

I had a salt tablet after about an hour and a half of running. Will probably take more along in future because it minimizes cramping. I was feeling pretty good because I had trained well for 9 miles.

Miles 10 to finish: Ker-plat!

I was thrilled to see Savi & Varsha (who drove down at 5am that day) cheering us at Mile 10! By this time, Cha's stitches were really acting up, and I couldn't stop my running gait because it hurt too much to walk. Once Varsh started pacing Cha, I plodded on.

I went about 500m ahead when my feet hit the lights on the road divider and I went SPLAT on my face (also known as "doing the Superman"). My buddy, Santhosh (who did a crazy 156K trail running feat over the same weekend) later asked me how I managed to fall in a road race. I was probably dragging my feet from the pain and tumbled. I heard a huge wave of "Ooooh" around me, as people rushed to help me up. I dusted myself and continued running, unsure of how seriously injured myself. Tears welled up for no apparent reason. I told myself, if I was really hurt badly, it would become apparent soon enough. The experience shook me but also made me upset enough to stubbornly continue running. I knew if I started walking, I wouldn't make it.

Something took over me. I think it's the idea that I had worked so hard to make it that point in the race inspite of everything, and I just HAD to finish this. I pushed inspite of aches, pains, nausea, and mentally committed myself to better training for a future race.

After a while, it was sheer momentum carrying me forward. When I finally crossed the finish line, I couldn't stop running.

My biggest takeaway: For the distance that I had trained, I felt great. For the rest of way, I needed to have built my stamina further by training harder. Well, if the race doesn't kill ya, it only makes ya stronger. So, hopefully, I'm poised for a better race at Dallas next month!

Ready to Rock!

It's slowly dawning on me that my first half-marathon race for this season is coming up next week! No, less than a week. November 16, 2008, is about 6 six days away. The sold-out race looks to be an exciting one with over 30,000 people running it, and supposedly there will be a band at every mile! We're going to run in a group (though I suspect I will be alone for most of my run considering my speedy running buddies) as Team Asha, so it will definitely be a blast! What's also going to be fun is that we'll be spending the night before the race at a friend's place in San Antonio (thanks, Vishi!!) and head out for the race together.

Truth be told, my training has been anything but exciting. I haven't been as regular with training as I would have liked, and I confess that I'm missing the steely discipline and determination that is helpful for workouts. I've tried to focus on my form and consciously worked through mental chatter/complaints while running. Most of my workouts and runs have been pretty good, and fairly enjoyable. The fact remains, however, I can do more and train a lot harder. One of my goals for this race is to finish strong, and speed up in my last mile. What has limited my running is the fear that I will lose steam at the end. I need to overcome this fear if I hope to do any better.

This will be my second half-marathon since 2007, so it's pretty exciting. It is also one of my three half-marathon races this season, so I'm looking to build on my experience at this race. I'm ready to rock!