A New Low

I had mistakenly thought the worst was over in my bike training.

Last night was by far the scariest bike ride yet. We had to do two warm up loops starting from across the Stafford Bridge, past Austin High School and to Townlake Animal Shelter and back. I was terrified manoeuvering first through the crowds, dogs, and then through traffic. At the potty stop, I prayed to calm my nerves. The combination of traffic and fear that I couldn't brake in time, crippled my riding. Coach Liz spotted me struggling and took me across to the shelter. I just did one loop.

Then we had to go from Stafford to Rollingwood for the hill steps workout. It was so nerve-racking, that at one point, when I was on Barton Springs, I got off my bike and walked. I used to look at cyclists on Barton Springs and wonder why they love courting death. Now I was one of these crazy cyclists. As I barrelled down the slope on Barton Springs, no glib quotations on battling fear came to mind. No comforting words played in my head. Raw fear reverberated through me.

I was so shaken that I couldn't even focus on the hill workout (which was pretty brutal per se). Coach Liz was awesome. She rode beside me, doing the hills with me and encouraged me along. I felt like a liability. At the end of the five "step" hills, I finally caved in. I told Liz, "Who am I kidding? I am not going to make it through this.." I felt frustrated, let down by myself and wiped out. As if the Dementors had sucked the life out of me. And I couldn't let go of the fear of traffic. Liz said, "You've come very far, think about your first day on the bike. You can do this tough workout, but you need to manage your fear."

On the downhill, my heart raced as fast as my bike. And while others in the group were shouting in glee, "Wee! I'm at 40miles/hr!", my heart was in my mouth. The fear of being unable to stop gripped me again, and I felt my stomach doing somersaults. I slammed the brakes so hard finally that I sprained my thumb. I took a look at the last downhill step and thought, "there's no way in hell I'm going down that hill!". I walked down the hill feeling like a loser. My group mates stopped by me to see if I was ok. Others had done 2-4 hill repeats. I had barely made it through one.

Coach Liz had in the interim organized a mini-entourage to take me back to the Stafford Bridge. Feeling mentally and physically beat, I told her, "No, that's ok. I'll just call my husband to come pick me up from here." Coach Liz looked at me and said firmly, "There's something to be said about facing your fear. Don't give up now. Ride back with the others." Steph, Ellen and Lisa by this time were encouraging me along - "You'll regret it later if you don't ride back! we're here for you." Reluctantly, I got back on my bike, took a deep breath and followed them.

The good news is I made it back. But I felt like crap. I was so disappointed in myself for not being able to manage fear. Coach Liz reminded me that althought I may not have gotten the physical workout I wanted, by doing what I did, my confidence would improve by a notch. She pointed out it was not my ability, but my confidence that was an issue. Reminds me of what Morpheus told Neo in the sparring program, "But your weakness is not your technique."